


Bitter Sorrow of My Soul

by Zairafuana



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accusations of Cannibalism, Angst, Blood, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Multiple Personalities, Sam Winchester Big Bang 2019, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 11:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17527862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zairafuana/pseuds/Zairafuana
Summary: In order to save Dean from a Djinn's spell, Sam must be sent into his own heartscape to get a sacred spiritual treasure that was to be used to heal Dean. While in his heartscape, he happens upon a path that forks into three paths. At the end of each path,  Sam meets a splinter personality of himself that help him on his quest. The four need to get over their differences in order to create harmony in Sam's heartscape. This will allow him access to the treasure and help him to heal.





	Bitter Sorrow of My Soul

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Huntress79](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/gifts).



> My first fic ever for the Sam Winchester Big Bang. I hope it turned out okay because I haven't written a gen fic in a long time.
> 
> All banner art was done by the lovely Huntress79. I just want to thank them for so much amazing art. I loved all the headers and icons!
> 
> I don't own supernatural. Colt and Shammah are OCs.

“Please, you have to help me.” The voice begged softly as the spirit floated nearby. “Please, the spell won’t break.”

The spirit sighed. It hated to hear when humans were in distress. They were such delicate creatures with generally kind souls. What else could it do than simply help the human? The human and its kin had been kind enough to release it after all.

“As you wish, human.” The spirit reached out. “But this is dark Djinn magic, it is not so easily destroyed.” It warned softly as it floated closer to the human. Its vague features contorted slightly as it thought the events over.

The Djinn had been trying to steal the spirit’s power. These fine humans had tried to help the spirit, had killed the Djinn. But this was not before the monster attacked the elder human, throwing him into one of its dark worlds and draining the human’s life despite the Djinn no longer being there to devour it.

“I will do what I can to alleviate the dark energies.” The spirit told Sam softly. It slowly waved its hand over Dean, gauging the extent of the Djinn’s influence. If the apparition could truly frown, it would have. “There is a way but it is difficult.”

Sam perked up immediately. The spirit had agreed to help and that was all that mattered. “Tell me what you need, I’ll get it for you.” He replied quickly, clutching his sibling to his chest.

“I need the power from a spirit gem.” The spirit said softly as it ran its hands over Dean’s soul. The human was fading fast.

“Where can I get it?” Sam asked frantically. He was growing scared because he had never heard of such a gem. Castiel and Jack were away, Sam had no means to get something that was not in the bunker in a timely manner.

“It is here.” The spirit informed him softly, pressing a finger to Sam’s forehead. “Each human has the ability to form a spirit gem. But you must be in harmony with yourself.”

Sam swallowed thickly at this. How was he supposed to find a gem in his mind? But he couldn’t give up, Dean needed him. “How do I retrieve it?”

“Sleep. You must go into the heartscape and discover it. That is all I can tell you, Child.” The spirit whispered softly, looking at Sam sympathetically. He could feel the human’s sorrow and fear, the bitter tang of its essence. Its heart ached in empathy with this poor creature before him.

Sam took a deep breath and nodded. In the back of his mind, he felt caution and wariness at the prospect of sleeping under a spirit’s spell. What if the creature was like the Djinn? Still, he couldn’t dwell on this. Dean needed him and Sam would do whatever it took to save his brother, “Take me there, Spirit, please.”

 

A cool wetness graced Sam’s skin as he lay upon the ground. He could feel the softness of plush grass under his fingers, soothing his frazzled nerves. He felt strange, unsettled, but the grass helped to ground him. He barely remembered how he got here, the vague memory of the spirit helping Dean. Now, Sam just wished he knew where here was.

He took a slow breath as his eyes fluttered open. He blinked slowly a few times as he stared up above him. A slow smile pulled at his lips as he kept staring up, gazing at the canopy of trees. In fact, there was trees all about and a gentle breeze flowing through the branches. This felt good, oddly nice and rather soothing.

It seemed like a normal forest but he could not be sure. He had been in these strange worlds of the soul before. Would this task be as simple as finding pieces of himself once more?

The spirit said he needed to be in harmony with himself. He was frightened by what that might entail. There were several parts of himself that he never wanted to see again. He had done many shameful things in his life and he really did not want to get to know the pieces of himself that had caused those things.

He sighed softly and weakly pushed himself up into a sitting position. He shifted his gaze about to look upon the forest in greater detail, taking in the truest beauty of the forest. He couldn’t help but smile as realization hit him. The realization that for once in his life he felt no fear or apprehension from being stuck in a woodland.

He gave a low laugh at the soft feeling in his spirit. He breathed slowly as the light of the forest caught his attention. He looked skyward and his eyes widened slightly as he suddenly noticed that the light in the forest was a tender lavender color. It made him feel strangely fuzzy inside, soothing the stress and worry currently fraying his nerves. He felt a growing confidence that he would survive this bout of soul-searching in one piece.

He slowly stood and began to dust himself off. He dipped his head and began to pat himself down, looking to see if he still had his weapons. He was concerned and a bit disheartened when he did not find any. Still, the worry was difficult to hold onto in this internal world, the light seemed to sooth his trouble and heighten his determination.

His spirit lightened as he started to walk through the calm forest. It didn’t take Sam long to find a path through the trees, it was winding cobblestone. The stones were a deep gold and shimmered with specks of red. The edges of each stone gave off a tender silver light. Despite this light, Sam couldn’t help but see the path as a strange reference to The Wizard of Oz.

The thought brought to mind the memory of Charlie. Sorrow filled his heart, pain clenching in his chest. He gasped as the forest started to shudder with the emotional turmoil within Sam. The feeling that shook him to his core now reacted on a physical level. The intensity made his whole inner world quake.

He stumbled over to a nearby redwood tree, fingers gripping weakly at the fibrous bark. He blinked as the world slowly started to settle, leaving him still feeling uneasy. He was suddenly greatly aware of his impact on the state of this world.

How could he navigate a world that was affected by his very feelings? He had to admit that being faced with his emotions was a bit harrowing. But, he had to keep moving for Dean’s sake. He could not stay here to dwell on himself like this.

Sam cautiously stepped onto the gold stone road once again. He looked to either side of him, expecting either a scarecrow or a dark figure out to get him. He was honestly surprised not to see anything of the sort hidden in the shadows of the trees.

The tension started to ease from his shoulders. He took a slow breath as he started to follow the path. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he hoped that it was leading him to his destination. He did wish that he knew where to find the spirit gem. The description of the gem was unknown to him, leaving him with a blank variable in his quest.

The forest was oddly calm now. Sam’s mind drifted as he walked down the path, just thinking about the trees. He was curious as to why all the trees were all redwoods and sequoias. It seemed like an odd choice to him because he didn’t see them often in the real world anymore. Not since college.

Deeming it most likely unimportant, he turned his thoughts from it. He instead focused on the road once more. He looked about to the side, wondering if there would be any other features of Oz in this realm. He was not seeing any but this heartscape was odd anything could happen.

He knew he had to continue on. So, he simply kept walking. Searching for his destination through a land he didn’t know.

~*~z~*~

Sam walked for what felt like hours. He was tired and his feet were aching by this point. After a bit of time, the forest had grown eerie because it was suddenly almost entirely devoid of sound.

Along the path before, he had heard the familiar calls of birds and the sound of a forlorn breeze flowing through the distant leaves. But, those sounds had all gone away now. All he heard was the crunch of his own boots against the cobblestone path. It made him feel cold and disturbed.

A curiosity.

As he walked, Sam noticed a strange correlation. The further he followed the path, the less dense the trees became. With the lessening of the density, there was also the reduction of nature sounds. This had continued unto Sam’s current situation, where the only sound came from himself.

He couldn’t understand why this was happening. In the natural world, there would be no logical reason for sound to disappear in this manner. He found it a bit frustrating that he did not have the time to dwell on the cause of this phenomenon. His attention had to be focused on a different task because he had just arrived at a fork in the road that suddenly appeared.

His single route broke apart into three distinct paths. In the center of the intersection, there was an old wooden signpost that looked like it had been stolen from a fairytale.

The post had name signs for each of the three paths. It took several moments for Sam to read each one because the language was Enochian. They were words he did not read often so they were unfamiliar to him at first glance.

The sign on the right of the post read: Instinct. Its path was made of crimson cobblestone. It was a winding trail, the stones chipped and broken.

The sign on the left read: Soul. Its path was made of glittering white cobblestone but the stones’ edges were singed and tarnished. This path was straight and narrow.

The final sign, trapped in the middle, read: Heart. The stones of this path were a soft purple and the path only had the slightest joyful curve to it. It somehow looked lighter, more innocent, than the other two paths.

Sam felt a longing to go down the Heart path but that seemed too easy. If these were pieces of himself then he figured that he should deal with the most difficult first. He didn’t know how much time he had to save Dean. He needed to finish this quickly.

He took a breath and straightened up. He wished he had a bag of supplies or a weapon but he would have to do without. He was unsure what he would find along this twisted path but he would have to take it in stride. He couldn’t let the unknown stop him from completing his task.

The thought of this path made his muscles stiffen but he forced himself to loosen up as he turned towards the Instinct path. A strange chill traveled up his spine as he picked up his foot and stepped down on the red trail. He gasped in shock as a jolt of hunger twisted with bitter fury shot through him with that single step.

He stumbled and fell to his knees from the force of the emotion. The wind was knocked from his lungs, he gasped loudly as the sky flashed green with vicious jags of red lightning ripping apart the sky. He dragged ragged breaths into his lungs as his hands grasped at the sharp stones of the path cutting into his palms.

It took several moments to recover from the violent intensity. He was left drained and exhausted once the darkness cleared from the sky. He found himself desperately wanting to turn away from this path, fearful of what could possibly lay ahead. Still, he forced himself to carry on.

Sam wasn’t sure how long he had been walking but he guessed that it was little over an hour, judging by the sun. He found it ultimately unsettling that he felt tired here. Did this mean that he would suffer other human hardships in this world? He wasn’t really sure how he would find food or water in this strange world. He had gone a long time without water, so perhaps it wasn’t required?

He kept walking down the crumbling path. He had to admit that it was odd to see such a path lead into what appeared to be the outskirts of a city. There was a high stone wall in the distance with buildings of brick and metal making up the city within. All the buildings looked abandoned, some burned and others broken.

Sam readied himself for the emotional turmoil this time. Any place that looked like this at the end of such a path had to be filled with emotional damage. Knowing his own experiences, he knew the pain would be severe.

His prediction rang true. He stepped down upon the filthy street and was almost brought to his knees once more. The rush of bitterness and loneliness made his head spin. He barely swallowed down the bile that had creeped up his tight throat. He had to drag in shaking breaths to steady his quaking nerves.

It took several moments for Sam to regain his composure. He was leaning on the stone wall for support, his knees threatening to collapse from under him. He grimaced at the feeling of slick grime beneath his trembling fingers. He did not enjoy the knowledge that this location was a piece of his self.

He had to force himself to stand up straight. He tried not to breathe in deep, not wanting to inhale the stench of the nearby alley. His stomach churned viciously at the sight of blood smeared near a puddle of muddy water at the mouth of the alley. Something had happened here and he feared the cause of it.

Sam centered himself with a bit of effort and took a step away from the filthy passage, wishing to leave it. But as he moved away, the world shifted around him. Scumy bricks shifted together to form walls surrounding Sam. They formed a guided path, leading him towards the dreadful street corridor. 

He took a frustrated breath and straightened up. Cautiously, he stepped towards the dark alley. His nose scrunched up at the putrid stench of rotting garbage and decaying flesh. The thick sludge coating the asphalt squelched beneath his boots, clinging to the soles and threatening to trap him there. The darkness all about him seemed to suffocate the air.

Bile started to crawl up his throat once more as he stepped carefully. He was glad that the only light was the moonlight shimmering in the alley. It barely pierced the shadows of the cursed corridor. This allowed Sam to not witness the filth and death his feet were wading through.

Anxiety ate at his frayed nerves. He was aware that he was making his way towards something dark, possibly evil. He had no weapons beside his own strength. He felt scared and vulnerable, weak. The creeping loneliness of the realm chilled him to his very bones. Though, he could not tell if it was his own lonesome situation or the emotion of the heartscape around him.

As he moved towards the far end of the alley, he was alerted by the sickening sound of a wet crunching and tearing sound. It sounded like bone being snapped. As unnerving a sound as that was, it did not normally bother him after all these years of hunting. But there was something about this place that made every discomfort so much more intense.

Still, as much as he hated the disgusting sound, he knew to follow it. Something was leading him down this path and he had to follow. It didn’t matter how much this was unsettling him, he would pass this test. He needed that gem and was determined to let nothing stop him.

He took a breath and tried not to gag on the stench that lay thick in the air. It took a great deal of his strength to keep his stomach relatively settled. He pushed back all his unease and turned a corner in the end of the alley. He was not prepared for the gore he witnessed.

There was that horrific wet ripping sound once more, like flesh tearing. It mixed with the sickening squelch under his boots. The revolting sound got louder the longer he walked. At the end of Sam’s path was a large figure hunched over as it crouched in the filth. The shadows in the alley made it difficult to see but it appeared to be crouching over a human body.

The sounds suddenly made sense. Whatever was hunched up was eating the person under it. Anger and disgust flared up in Sam. How dare this thing go around eating people, especially in Sam’s heartscape. The very idea aroused Sam’s hunter instinct and he immediately posed to attack it with his bare hands.

“So, you finally decided to wander in and ruin my dinner?” The voice made Sam stop short of grabbing the figure. Something deep within Sam twisted and curdled with bile. He took a shaky step backwards as the shadowed figure stood and turned towards him. He couldn’t believe what he saw, or at the very least, he didn’t want to.

“What? Smart guy like you got nothin’ta say?” The figure asked with a sneering grunt. He turned slightly, letting the moonlight hit his face. Sam was confronted by his own visage. His very face, no older than twenty-seven, was meeting his gaze with a cruel glare. The sight of blood caked around his mouth, meat stuck in his own teeth, was enough to make Sam sick. The look of disdain in the other Sam’s eyes had to match Sam’s own.  
  
A sense of fury contorted Sam's insides. This creature, this monster, was parading around in his skin and eating people. It didn't matter that these wouldn't be real people, all that mattered was the fact that it had the gall to eat a human in its own world.

“Figures you’d be speechless.” The younger Sam snarled. He gave a huff as he wiped his sleeve across his filthy mouth to clean the mess. The effort was only effective in smearing the gore up the side of his face. A strange scoffing sound escaped him as he walked closer to Sam. The two were nose to nose and Sam could smell the gore on the copy’s breath.

Sam's nose scrunched up at the vile scent, the bile wanting to return to his throat once more. This creature was disgusting, it didn't deserve to be living in his heartscape. "Speechless? The only thing that makes me speechless is your disregard for human life."

"The ‘ell are you rambling on about?" The copy sneered at Sam's accusation. Anger bubbled under the surface as it fought the urge to slam its fist in Sam's face. Not even being the host personality had the right to treat him like the trash that littered their current location.

"I saw you filling your belly on the flesh of someone?" Sam's voice was a low but accusing growl. Frustration and disgust swirled in his belly, the acid reaching his attitude. "You're nothing but a disgusting parasite inside my brain."

“So, you’re really gonna be like that?” Sam’s doppleganger shook his head, crossing his arms. He sighed, looking at Sam with bitter disappointment. He had honestly expected more from his host. “Self-loathing becoming acidic in your advanced years, Sam?”

“What kind of trick is all of this? Is this some game to you?” Sam growled viciously at the doppleganger. He had seen enough illusions, possessions, and copies of himself in the past to know this was not a good situation. He didn’t want some spiritual monster running around inside of him and causing havoc. He soul and psyche had suffered too much already at the hands of things living in his head.

The doppleganger looked unimpressed by his accusation. If anything, he looked tired and a little hurt. That was a look that Sam was honestly not expecting and it left him a tiny bit shaken. This situation was just growing more confusing.

“Trust me. The only one ‘ere playing a trick on you is you.” The copy sighed in frustration, irritation entering his gaze. He kept his gaze level with Sam, wanting the other to feel how strong his emotion was. He needed Sam to see the pain he was in. “I don’t play games, Sam.”

“How so? You’re the one wearing my face. Not the other way around.” Sam retorted, tense and defensive. His muscles tightened up as he straightened up, instinctively exerting his dominance in the situation. He did not appreciate having things running around in his head and oppressing it, contorting his mind to its will. He leveled his own glare at the copy. “Get rid of that facade and reveal what you really are.”

There was a strange snort of contempt expressed from the copy. He shook his head as his lip drew back slightly in a sneer. He couldn’t believe how dense his host was being currently. He knew that Sam was brighter than this, that Sam had access to intelligence that the copy did not. 

“You don’t get it, Dumbass, do you? I am you. You gave birth to me.” The words came out in a soft growl as the clone angrily jabbed his finger against Sam’s chest.

“What?” The words dumbfounded Sam. This conversation was going in a direction that he didn’t really wanted to think about. Pieces were slowly starting to float together and the picture was not pleasant in the least. He needed to verify his sudden thought. “What are you talking about? How could I have possibly birthed you?”

“By being a complete brainless moron. That’s ‘ow!” Anger flared up in the copy’s chest as he snapped back at Sam. He was hurt, wanted his host to realize and believe all that he had done.

“Excuse you?” Sam had not felt so indignant in a long time yet he was oddly speechless. Accusations hurt most of the time but this time it was just insulting but he found it difficult to actually form words in this verbal combat. What did this tweaky clone know about Sam?! What gave it the right to judge Sam like this?

“No, excuse you!” The clone shoved Sam’s chest angrily, getting in his face, “It’s because of your stupid obsession with your brother that I was created. Why couldn’t you ‘ave just listened to Gabriel? I would never ‘ave ‘ad to suffer this curse!” The clone was practically screaming in his face now, tears in the younger version’s eyes. The look of heartbreak and betrayal in the clone’s eyes took Sam by surprise as those were the last emotions that he expected to see.

“Gabriel?” Sam was taken aback. He was confused by the copy’s words. What could the archangel possibly have to do with this situation? 

“Yes. If you had listened to the Trickster’s lesson, you never would ‘ave bedded that bitch Ruby and I thankfully would have never been born!” The doppleganger’s trembling hands clenched into fists. Just thinking about Ruby made his blood boil and his anxiety peak. He could feel the hunger claw at his belly, burning at his frayed nerves. His very existence was torture.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like?!” The copy grabbed him by the front of the shirt and started to forcibly shake him. “To spend every waking moment of your existence craving the blood and flesh of demons?!”

“Oh god.” Sam’s stomach was twisting, like it had bad milk curdling in it. A deep sense of guilt and shame start to well up in Sam. He suddenly wanted to escape this conversation with a deep desperation. The realization of what this creature was hurt his very soul. This thing, it was the very embodiment of his demon blood addiction. 

“Sam, for you, it’s all an addiction.” The copy snarled viciously as Sam froze up and the doppleganger released him. The copy let out a whimper and collapsed to his knees on the filthy street, defeated emotionally. Sam’s heart twisted for this creature when he heard the little hiccup of a suppressed sob escape the copy. Its trembling fingers clutched the filthy earth in defeat. It was so angry, so frustrated with the thought of living, and yet could do nothing to stop its existence.

“I… I’m so s-sorry.” Sam’s voice was shaky as he struggle to form words. He was at fault for creating something so damaged and tormented, “Sam, I’m so sorry.”

“Colt.” The name came out as a grunt under the clone’s breath.

“E-excuse me?”

“My name.” The copy looked up at Sam brokenly, sniffling and eyes still shimmering with hurt, “My name is Colt.”

“Colt.” Sam repeated softly in awe as he slowly knelt down in the muck. He stared at the clone and saw it for what it really was. This was not some mental doppleganger but a personality in and of itself. This made the truthful harm of Sam’s past actions so much worse. 

He now had more to atone for.

He sighed softly and slowly reached out, wrapping an arm around the monster before him. He felt the world rumble from his sorrow as he gently pulled the wretched creature into his arms, “Please, forgive me.”

Colt was trembling under his touch, almost immediately stiffening defensively in Sam’s embrace. This involuntary action made Sam feel like a monster. Colt was right. This was all Sam’s fault. He had been so desperate to save Dean all those years ago. And in the end, he ruined so much with his foolish decisions. It was all so very clear to him now.

This was no longer just an addiction. His mistake had taken on a life force all its own and had created a life for itself in this disgusting city. It was cursed to live here, eating filth, for its entire existence. Sam could think of no greater hell.

“Come with me?” Sam requested gently as he moved his hands to grip Colt’s shoulders. He gently urged the splinter personality too look at him, touch tender enough to comfort the other. Sam had a lot of mistakes to make up for and some of the biggest ones were to Colt. He was still having trouble accepting Colt’s existence but he could not let that get in the way.

“What?!” Colt’s head snapped up as he tried to pull away. He was smaller and weaker than Sam though. He was held fast in Sam’s firm grip and he hated it, hated how it made him feel strangely secure. It made him want to curl into his host’s embrace as if it were his father but the fear and anger were too strong.

“I want you…” Sam dragged Colt closer, cradling him to his chest. He sighed and spoke against Colt’s hair, sorrow in each touch towards the other. “...to come with me. Join me on my quest.” When Sam said it like that, he had to admit that it sounded pretty ridiculous honestly, selfish almost. But he couldn’t really help that.

“Where? Why?” The splinter personality reared back slightly, staring at him incredulously.

“I want you to come so that we can form the bond that should be between us. We’re two people sharing a body yet our hurt is keeping us on edge around each other.” Sam shook his head, “ I only know you through the pain of my addiction. I can tell that you are so much more but my mind can’t get past what it thinks you are. Maybe we can change that if we travel together, Colt.”

Colt could not understand why these words were coming out of Sam’s mouth. Had his host gone insane? The damage between them couldn’t just be healed, right?

But, which one of them was really insane?

“This is my ‘ome, Sam.” Colt shook his head and rested his face against his host’s shoulder. He slumped into his embrace, confused that he was seeking comfort that was so unknown to him.

“It doesn’t have to be, Colt.” Sam encouraged gently, rubbing his doppleganger’s back, “Like I said, you can come with me on my quest to find our Spirit Gem. There’s apparently a lot about myself that I’m not aware of. You could help me. You could be my guide, be good. We can grow our bond.”

He felt a shift in how Colt held himself. It was like a bit of the despair left his bones, replaced with desperation and hope. The tension eased slightly in Colt’s body at the suggestion. He slowly looked up at Sam, innocence and youth in his eyes. For a creature birthed from Sam’s darkest mistake, it had the innocence of a child.

“Why do you need our Spirit Gem?”

“It’s for Dean.”

“Your brother.”

“No, Colt.” Sam smiled tenderly and brushed the bangs out of his doppleganger’s face, “He’s our brother. You’re a part of me. I understand that. I know that I can’t do this without you.”   
A look of wariness of entered Colt’s eye. It seemed that he did not entirely trust Sam’s words. As far as he had always known, Sam hated this part of himself. If this part was entirely Colt, why show such kindness as to say they were one? Was Sam playing him for a greater purpose? Could his host truly be trusted.

“Why?” He asked cautiously, slowly pulling away from Sam’s embrace. Sam gently released him, not wanting the younger personality to feel trapped and cornered. Colt tried to clarify, wanting answers. “Why are you so quick to forgive me and invite me along on your quest?”

Sam gave a slightly disheartened sigh. The other had a bit of a point there. Sam had hated the part of himself that devoured demons for almost a decade. Since he had gotten clean, he has been disgusted with himself over the fact that he was even addicted to demon’s blood in the place. And now he was readily accepting a creature where a demon’s blood addiction was its entire existence.

“Colt, you were right. This is all my fault.” Sam sadly stroked his companion’s hair tenderly. His heart broke for the creature before him, “I have to make up for my mistakes. Because of my choices, I created you and hurt you. I’ve been torturing you with this life and I am so very sorry.”

Sam slowly stood and reached down, taking his companion by the hands and slowly pulling him to his feet. He smiled softly at Colt, “Colt, this is our time for making amends. For us to mend this distance between us, we need to work together.”

There was a logic to Sam’s words. Colt had always felt a desire to be connected to Sam but had no way to do so. Splinter personalities could never reach the host personality with a meeting similar to this. And even if he had been able to meet Sam, he truly believed that the rift caused by his creation would keep them separated forever.

How could his existence not be a problem here?

“I doubt there that a simple journey can fix this damage between us.” Colt huffed softly, hanging his head. It took him a moment before he could actually look up at Sam. There was a glint of determination in his eyes. “Still, you are my ‘ost, and we need to be in ‘armony.”

Sam nodded to the other man as he listened. He knew that this was true. The spirit had said something similar, about how it was the only way to make the spirit gem appear. Sam had overcome a lot in his life and he refused to let some self-reflection get in his way of saving his brother.

“Let’s do our best.” Sam offered his hand out to Colt. His doppleganger squinted at him then looked down at the hand. There was hesitation before their hands met in a sign of determination and compromise.

“I suppose that’s all we can do.” Colt slowly released Sam’s hand and looked towards the entrance to the alley. The walls were starting to open up once more, creating an escape for them. This hell of squalor and filth may be Colt’s home but he had to find the bravery to step beyond the muck and mire.

“Come on.” Sam’s voice was hesitant as an unsure hand rested on Colt’s back. “It’s time to leave.”

  


They had been walking for some time. They were traveling back along the path from Colt’s section of the heartscape to the fork in the road. They had not yet reached the signpost as the path felt twice as long as it did the first time.

Colt felt anxious being out of the darkness of his home. The stones beneath his boots crunched rather than squelched like the muck of the alley. It was unsettling and confusing. The scent of trees and the feel of the wind blowing through the heartscape’s forest was rattling his nerves.

“Are you alright?” Despite the still lingering discomfort between the two, Sam felt obligated to protect the other personality.

“They weren’t ‘uman.” That was not the response that Sam was expecting to hear. He slowly shifted his gaze over towards his mental copy. The doppleganger was looking up at the purple sky in awe.

“What wasn’t human?”

“The things that I devour.” Colt looked over at Sam, catching his gaze, “The things roaming around your mind.” His words immediately dragged Sam’s mind back to the figure lying in the muck of the alley. It had been dreadfully dark and he had been unable to see what it had been truthfully. All he knew was that it had a human form.

“Then what exactly are they?” Sam felt himself not quite believing Colt’s words but he had to force himself not to think like that. If they were going to be doing this, then they needed to trust each other’s word. He couldn’t let himself do something petty, like jump to conclusions. 

“The things that lurk inside your ‘ead.” Colt replied softly, eyes soft and wide as he watched sunlight filter through the tree canopy. He was completely in awe of the sight. He wasn’t sure that he had ever seen anything so beautiful. “All your worries, all your fears. They manifest into solid shapes in your heartscape. They are drawn to my city of filth and I hunt them down, eat them so that they do not overwhelm you.”

Sam stared in shock at his companion. His brain felt like it was shutting down. Colt’s words sounded like madness, and yet, Sam found that he believed him. Though, this only added to Sam’s guilt towards how he had mistreated Colt.

“Th-thank you.” He wanted to say more. Felt ashamed for not expressing his gratitude more heavily. What was wrong with him? “But, uhm, Colt?”

“Yeah, Sam?”

“Why did it look like you were eating a human?”

Sam’s question made laughter bubble up from Colt’s throat. The younger male grinned, eyes closed in mirth as he turned his face towards Sam, “Oh, don’t be silly, ‘ost. They’re not ‘umans. Demon clowns!”

Sam felt like he had the wind knocked out of him. The very notion of that was ridiculous and idiotic. Yet, the idea of his lurking fears taking on the visage of demonic clowns actually made more logic than he cared to acknowledge. As much as told himself that he was getting over his fear of clowns, it was still very much there.

“Oh.” He should have said more. Should have given some sign of higher brain function, Colt seemed to be waiting for it. Yet, Sam was unable to form any for several moments. He felt stupid, foolish, and ungrateful.

“Thank you.” The words startled Colt and his frazzled expression spoke volumes. He couldn’t believe that those words had escaped Sam’s mouth.

“Welcome.” Colt smiled a bit brokenly and started to walk a bit quickly.

Beneath their feet, the jagged cobblestone slowly started to smoothen. The color lost some of its angry intensity. The path began to heal and slowly reform itself as Sam quickened his step to catch up with Colt.

“So, where to now?” Colt looked between the two remaining paths. There was the soul and the heart paths still untouched. He knew what lay in wait at the end of each of these stone trails but it was not his place to speak. This trial was for Sam, he needed to make the decisions on his own.

“I feel like the heart path needs to be done last.” Sam replied as he looked up at the signpost, reading the names written on the planks. Something in his mind just felt like the words were true. He turned to look at the soul path. It seemed peaceful enough, still the singed edges of the stones tarnished his belief a bit. 

But what could be at the end of that path that was worse than Colt.

The splinter personality still creeped him out and made his skin crawl a bit but overall wasn’t a bad person. Sam could tell, could see that. Colt was suffering from Sam’s unease and yet refused to confront Sam on it again.

What had Sam ever done for that kind of acceptance?

“Left. We should go left.” Sam could feel the path of stones calling to him. He looked at Colt and smiled weakly before clapping a hand on his double’s shoulder. Colt blinked but did little else to acknowledge Sam’s action. He simply followed where Sam led.

Sam straightened up and took a deep breath. He knew that something was going to happen again when he stepped down on the stones before him. He doubted that Colt’s trail was the only one that triggered emotions. So, he steeled his nerves and took the first step.

His foot had barely touched the path before his body was assaulted with a crippling sense of pain and fear. The world swirled and flashed black. He gasped desperately for breath as his knees gave out, dragging him down.

A strong hand caught him before he collided with the earth.

He shakily looked up to see Colt at his side. His companion was holding him in a secure and comforting grasp. The look in the eyes of the splinter personality was that of unending sadness.

“‘e’s in pain today.” Colt whispered sadly, heartbroken. Sam blinked slowly, trying to comprehend the words. He felt sick to his stomach but the dizziness was passing. The bitter emotions of this path flowed in waves against Sam.

“He?” Sam questioned softly once he found the breath to speak once more, “You mean, there’s someone else here? Someone like you.” Sam was starting to realize just how broken he truly was. Only someone extremely damaged suffered the birth of multiple personalities.

“No. Not like me.” Colt shook his head, shoulders drooping. He looked down at Sam sadly, helping his host to his feet. “‘is birth was far more violent and cruel than anything I could ever claim to experience.”

With Sam back on his feet now, Colt moved forward. He began to walk once more, eyes drawn up to the sky. Freedom from the dark sure was beautiful.

Sam grimaced as he listened to Colt’s words. He felt disturbed, worried. The pain that raked through his chest spoked of trauma currently unrealized. Would this next one be as angry with Sam as Colt was?

Didn’t it have the right to be?

Maybe the path was shorter or maybe it was just the fact that he had someone to talk to but Sam swore that it took less time to get to this destination. It was just that the vision before him stunned him into lack of movement. He stood at the end of the path, staring at the next location.

Before him was a place that felt like home. It was Bobby’s home, scrapyard and all. It was just how he remembered it. A bit rundown but brought a sense of family and safety. What could possibly be here that was so terrible? This place had always felt like a safe haven to Sam.

Colt kept quiet and stepped aside to allow Sam to pass. He sighed softly and watched his host go. He shook his head and made sure to follow behind him. He felt uneasy being in this place, like he was unworthy to set foot here.

Sam walked through the scrapyard from muscle memory. He knew this place well. It had been his second home after Baby. He missed Bobby’s house, but it just wasn’t the same anymore without Bobby in it.

He walked up to the front door of the house and paused as he was about to grab the handle. Something felt different, off, but not dangerous. Instead, it was more like he could feel an increase in the sadness that reigned here.

He shook off the feeling and pushed forward. He grabbed the handle and turned it, opening the door. He cast a glance back at Colt before stepping over the threshold. He froze immediately upon entering.

The house was dark, every light was off and the curtains closed. He felt a chill run through him as he looked about in confusion. He used Colt’s presence to his back to push himself forwards.

“Hello? Is someone here?” He called out softly as he walked towards the den. He was trying to stuff down any rising anxiety before it boiled into something ugly. Although, his mind was drawn from it at the smell of candles.

He walked into the den, eyes widening in surprise. All about were lit candles of varying size and height. They felt so out of place in this room yet oddly familiar. He was trying to remember why he heard the sound of shuffling over near Bobby’s desk.

Sam looked over to see a figure hunched over in the chair behind the desk. It took him a minute to decode what he was seeing but when he did, he felt his guts twist into knots. He felt sick as realization came to him.

The figure in the chair had sat up, turning a dull gaze towards Sam. There was no show of emotion on the damaged and bloody features, only pain and exhaustion. From what Sam could see in the candle light, the figure’s hair was bloody and matted as it clung to his skin.

“Oh god.” Sam choked out once his brain decided to finally function. He took a shaky step forward, reaching out to the figure. The other flinched and recoiled, cowering away from Sam. Sam stopped moving and tried to speak again. “I know you. We’ve met before.”

The figure nodded and curled up slightly. He looked down at the desk, avoiding Sam’s eyes.

“You’re my Hell memories.” He received another nod but no verbal response. Sam swallowed thickly, frazzled and confused, “But you’re dead. I killed you to fix myself.”

“When your mind was fixed, ‘e was reborn.” Colt walked past Sam, over to the desk. The figure flinched slightly but not as much as when Sam moved. Colt crouched beside the chair and slowly took the figure’s hand. 

“‘is name is Shammah.” Colt informed Sam, looking back at his host, “‘e’s your guardian angel.”

This comment confused Sam. He didn’t understand the meaning behind the words but the guilt was starting to creep in on him. He didn’t know how to react or respond to any of this. What could he possibly say or do?

“What do you mean, Colt.” He wanted to near them but couldn’t move. Having seen Shammah flinch had broken his heart. He couldn’t bare to see it again so quickly.

“Shammah stops you from getting a large influx of ‘ell memories at any given time. ‘e keeps them at bay within ‘imself so that you do not ‘ave to experience them.” Colt’s shoulders drooped as Shammah curled in on himself again. “Every ‘orrific thing that Lucifer did to you is etched in ‘is mind so that it’s not in yours. ‘e is a splinter personality like myself.”

“Blocks my memories.” Sam repeated slowly, suddenly feeling cold. He swallowed back the bile that was starting to creep up. He felt wrong inside. “Oh god. He’s the wall, the wall Death made in my head, isn’t he?”

“Yes.” The voice was raspy, sounding damaged and strangled. The sound took Sam by surprise and he looked over at them again. He was surprised to see Shammah looking at him this time. There was no life or light in his eyes, only the dullness of trauma. “When your brother’s angel tore down the wall, I was ripped apart.”

Sam felt like someone had just stabbed him.

“Since then, I was sewn back together.” Shammah trembled and hugged himself, rocking slightly, “But, I have been unable to return to my full strength and keep all the memories locked away. I-I apologize for my inadequacy.”

Sam took a step forward towards Shammah a bit too quickly, reaching out. He wanted to apologize to the other, tell him it wasn’t his fault. He want to do something, say something to express that he didn’t blame Shammah.

How could he ever blame Shammah for anything?!

But his movement was too quick, too sudden. Shammah flinched violently and cowered away from both Sam and Colt. Sam felt like a monster for causing that kind of reaction. He knew that kind of fear, the terror caused by loud noises or the possibility of being touched.

He instead stood still and reached his hand out to Shammah. He had to stop himself from moving once more, unable to bear the guilt of scaring Shammah. So, he took a breath and stilled himself, “Shammah, you have nothing to apologize for. Everything stopping you from your job wasn’t your fault.”

Colt smiled at Sam’s words and dipped his head, trying to catch Shammah’s gaze. To Colt, Shammah was everything that Colt ever wanted to be. A splinter personality with an actual purpose. Someone that helped their host instead of making things worse.

“Fault does not matter. It is what we do with the aftermath that counts.” Shammah whispered in reply, “And I have not done enough. I am too weak to keep everything at bay, too weak to protect you, Sam.”

“That’s not true.” Sam started towards the pair again, movements more slow and controlled this time. He didn’t want Shammah to feel attacked or threatened. “You’re doing amazing. Despite my trauma, I am able to go about living my life, Shammah. Now, I know that it is possible because of you. I wouldn’t be able to function without you. There’s proof of that.”

These kind words caused the newer doppleganger to slowly look Sam in the eye. He sniffled softly, still feeling unsure. He looked uneasy about Sam’s close proximity but didn’t react physically. “You are too forgiving, Sam.”

“Perhaps but that’s not what’s happening here.” Sam moved to sit on Shammah’s otherside, opposite of Colt. He slowly reached out for Shammah’s hand, making it obvious what he was doing. He was able to take his new companion’s hand with only the smallest of flinches from the other.

“Shammah, this whole concept of other people being in my head...” He grimaced, “...Without possession, is a new concept for me. Still, it’s not a bad concept if you and Colt are the results. I may not know you and Colt and I may have rough patches but the point is we’re all one person.”

“You have a strange concept of a whole person, Sam.” Shammah chuckled softly but there was no real mirth to it. He just looked exhausted, worn and wary. The very image broke Sam’s heart, making his very soul ache. This didn’t feel right at all.

Colt sighed, he knew that they had to get back to business. He dragged his fingers through his own hair and looked at the other two. “Shammah, Sam is looking for his spirit gem.”

“The spirit gem.” Shammah’s words were contemplative as he thought about it. He frowned softly and shook his head, curling up more. “Is that why you and he have come here, Colt?”

“Yes. You know that we cannot find it without you.” Colt slowly stood and offered his hand to Shammah. “You’re the twin to Sam’s soul. A key factor to finding the gem.”

“Colt, stop.” Both Colt and Shammah looked up in surprise when Sam spoke. The host personality stood up and smiled at his two splinters. “Shammah is in no condition to travel yet.”

He looked out the window once he pulled back a curtain a bit. He could see the sky darken as the lavender sun went down slowly. “I’ve discovered that days do pass here. Slowly, but it does happen. This means that I’m also starting to feel hungry and tired. Colt, let’s stay here for the night and help Shammah get ready.”

Colt wanted to protest but nodded. He could see where Sam was coming from. Both of them were exhausted and Shammah really wasn’t ready. This plan was for the best, “Sounds like a plan.”

Sam was heartbroken as he stared at Shammah. They were in the kitchen waiting for Colt to return from his hunt. He had said something about creeping demons. So, the duo now waited for him. Sam had finally turned on the lights, allowing him to see how damaged Shammah was. The splinter’s hair was matted with blood, scars along his skin, and a dull glassiness to his eyes that made Sam nauseas.

“Uhm, just curious.” He started slowly. What he was about to say was incredibly rude but it was out of love. He was concerned about Shammah’s condition, “When was the last time you had a shower?”

If the question bothered Shammah, he didn’t show it. He simply sat there, thinking over the answer. “Never. Body odor and such are not a problem in this place.”

“There are other reasons to have a shower.”

“Such as?” Shammah slowly raised his gaze to catch Sam’s eye. He was curious as to what this had to do with their situation. His host was not making a lot of sense right now.

“Feeling clean.” Sam walked over slowly and gently pushed the matted bangs out of Shammah’s eyes. He smiled softly at his companion, eyes soft and sympathetic. “Feeling right in your own skin.”

Maybe he was being strange but that didn’t matter. These two splinter personalities no longer felt like fragments in the day that he had been in this world. They felt more like younger siblings, broken creatures that needed to be cared for and protected.

“I do not know what that feels like.” Shammah replied softly, still looking at Sam with confusion. His host was such a strange man. There was no point to taking a shower, it would only hinder Sam’s quest. “Colt will return soon. We should prepare to leave for when he gets here.”

“We have time until he returns. Come on.” Sam gently pulled Shammah to his feet. The splinter stumbled slightly, his left ankle twisted at a weird angle. Sam carefully picked Shammah up, making sure that the splinter could deny the movement if he so wished. “You’re in no shape to travel. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Does this really matter, Sam?”

“Of course. I can’t learn that there’s other people in my head and just treat them like trash.” Sam knew this house like the back of his hand. He carried Shammah down the hall to the bathroom. He sat him down on the counter and smiled at him, handing him a towel. “Here. Get undressed and put this on. I’ll get the shower ready.”

With that, Sam turned towards the shower. He grabbed another towel and folded it, placing it on the floor of the shower. For how much of a mess the rest of the house was, Bobby had always kept the bathroom spotless. It made this much easier for Sam.

With the towel down, Sam turned on the hot water and let it get to a comfortable temperature. It didn’t surprise him that this bathroom had his favorite shampoo and conditioner. If Shammah was anything like him, a shower and clean hair would make the splinter instantly feel more lively and comfortable.

“Sam, I am ready.” The comment made Sam turn towards his companion, frowning as soon as he did. He looked Shammah over and felt a little sick. His companion was riddled with scars, burns, and lacerations. He had massive scars on certain sections of his body from when he had been torn apart.

“I’m sorry.” Sam whispered softly but Shammah shook his head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Sam. You saved the world.” Shammah motioned to the scars, “this is a small price to pay, my friend.”

“Still, it shouldn’t have happened.”

“We do what we must in this life, Sam.” Shammah smiled brokenly and slowly got down. He wabled a bit on his feet but soon straightened up and limped over to the shower. Towel around his waist, he sat down on the towel on the shower’s floor.

Sam took off his own jacket and long-sleeved shirt, leaving him in his undershirt. He knelt beside the shower and grabbed the shampoo, “I’ll wash your hair. You clean up.”

“Sounds fair.” 

The two set to work and Sam felt his spirit sink with each touch. The state of Shammah’s hair alone was a window into the trauma he had faced. It was filthy and difficult to clean. It all made guilt well up in Sam’s chest because he knew this was all his fault.

“So, Colt made it seem like you know quite a bit about how to get the spirit gem.” Sam started awkwardly. He wasn’t really sure how to go about a conversation but the silence had been too much. He felt so childish right now.

“I know a bit, not everything.” Shammah gave a small yawn as he scrubbed the filth from his arm. “Spirit gems are not easy things to pin down. Often a certain task must be performed in order for them to show themselves. A test of bravery.”

Sam didn’t like the sound of that. Tests of bravery often resulted in pain and trauma. He wasn’t sure that any of them could survive another one of those right now. Shammah was being rather brave about all of this. He seemed better than he did earlier, flinched a lot less now that he could see everything Sam was doing.

The two grew silent and the sound of flowing water was the only noise. Sam focused on his task and was starting to struggle a bit. The filth in Shammah’s hair was extreme, making it difficult to detangle without hurting him too badly. The sorry state of his companion spoke volumes about the mental as well as the physical damage done to Shammah.

“Colt said that you protect me. How?” He started to rinse the soap from his companion’s hair. He frowned at the clumpy trail of reddish-brown that started to flow down the drain. He had a feeling that it would take a few tries to get everything out of Shammah’s hair.

“The worst of your fears are trapped inside my own mind.” Shammah whispered as his fingers trailed the scars across his own skin. “But there are others that leak through. They affect you but I can only do so much to stop them. The best I can do is turn them into physical manifestations in this heartscape. Once I have done that, they are out of my hands as Colt hunts them so that they don’t linger at the forefront of your mind.”

Sam frowned softly as he listened, eyes sympathetic. Shammah did so much for him yet there was literally nothing that Sam could do for him in return. How could he repay such kindness?

“I know what you are thinking, Sam.” Shammah whispered, watching the clumps of filth flow down the drain. He felt strangely lighter as he watched the dirt and blood leave his broken body. “You do not have to do anything for me. This is my purpose and I take great pride in it.”

“Still, aren’t you tired of reliving what happened to us?”

“Of course. Every second is burning agony that I cannot escape.”

“Then why put with all of this so willingly? Why don’t you at least get angry?” Sam didn’t know why this conversation was upsetting him so much. All he knew what that he wanted Shammah to show some sign that he didn’t deserve this.

Shammah did the unexpected. He started to laugh.

The sound was raspy and broken, coarse. Still, it was an oddly nice sound to hear someone so broken actually laugh. He even turned his head slightly to smile at Sam, “Because I love my host. He is a wonderful person who gives everything for everyone. Taking one burden from his back is such a small price in this world.”

Sam’s eyes widened at the words, surprised at Shammah’s sincerity. In Sam’s line of work, it was difficult to find someone so completely honest with their words. This creature before him believed in him so completely that he was willing to suffer for Sam’s sake. 

The sentiment warmed Sam’s heart and he hoped to make Shammah’s suffering worth it.

Despite the shower being refreshing, it did little for Shammah’s hair. It was clean but still ratty. It lacked the luster of Sam or even Colt’s hair. The tips were singed and tattered. Still, Shammah’s disposition seemed to have brightened a bit.

He was more comfortable now but still did not enjoy being touched. In the shower, Sam had seen long scars on Shammah’s ribs and thighs. They were most likely representations of the torture that Sam suffered in the Cage. Though, Sam worked hard not to dwell on them for both his and Shammah’s sake.

After the shower, the two ate a small dinner from the items in the fridge. Sam couldn’t help but smile as he noticed that all the food options were things commonly found in Bobby’s fridge. It was a nice little memory that Sam appreciated very much.

There was little talking during dinner but the words that were said actually brought Sam and Shammah closer. Despite the good time shared, the two soon grew tired. Shammah led Sam to a familiar guest bedroom that made Sam feel right at home.

The exhaustion caused by everything inside and out of the heartscape finally took effect. Sam was pulled into a dreamless sleep that left him well-rested. While he slept, Shammah went back to his desk and guarded his host from fear. He opened a curtain, slowly watching night turn to day as he awaited Colt’s return.

The Instinct personality returned with the morning light. He made his way into the house with ease and walked over to crouch on Shammah’s desk. He smiled brightly at the Soul personality, face smeared with congealing blood, “From the look of things, you and Sam really ‘it it off.”

“Oh? Why do you say that?” Shammah asked softly, slowly flipping through the pages of an ancient tome. His eyes ached from lack of sleep but it was nothing that he wasn’t used to. He knew his place and his responsibilities.

“Well, for one, you no longer look like something I forgot to eat for dinner.” Colt grinned at Shammah, sharp teeth exposed and stained, “And two, entrance to the ‘eart path is finally open. You know that it can’t open without a connection to you. That’s why we ended up ‘ere for ‘im to meet you.”

“I see.” Shammah shakily stood up with a whimper of discomfort. The pain in his slightly twisted ankle spiked and he gave a sigh of discomfort. There was no peace for him here. “Sammy is the key to the gem. I wonder how I forget these things so often.”

“You’ve got a lot on your mind most days.” Colt frowned and looked about the room in confusion. “Where is Sam?”

“Sleeping. The shock of this world is wearing on our host.” Shammah limped around the desk, stumbling a bit. Colt reached out and gently steadied him as Shammah reached for his bag, missing it by half an inch. The Soul personality sighed in frustration and reached a bit further, grabbing it. Colt cocked his head to the side as he watched, frowning slightly.

“Your eye still acting up, Shammy.”

“Depleted vision is a small price to pay for what I do, Colt.”

“So you keep tellin’ me.” Colt huffed in disgust and grunted. He wiped his filthy sleeve against his mouth, trying to remove the evidence of his breakfast. “You look like you’re going to fall apart any day now.”

“Do not say such foolish things, Colt.” Shammah reprimanded gently as he placed candy in his bag. “Even jokes are worrisome. We both know that that Sam would die if I were to be destroyed once more.” He smiled tiredly and placed a piece of the candy in Colt’s filthy hands.

“Tch.” Colt huffed again and looked away, begrudgingly unwrapping and eating the candy. He was worried about Shammah but it was also his own uselessness that bothered him. Colt knew that unlike Shammah or Sammy, there would be no negative effect if Colt just disappeared. In fact, Sam might even feel better over all.

“Do ever think about being real?” Colt asked, needing to change the subject. He wanted to stop thinking about sour notions.

“What? Like have a body of my own?” Shammah’s voice was incredulous with a tint of fear and discomfort. “Heavens no.”

“Why not?” Colt retorted, the younger minded personality leaned in closer to Shammah to await the answer. 

“I would never survive, Colt. Not out there.” Came Shammah’s serious reply, features hard. “So much touch and sound. People and hunger ravaging my body and spirit until there was nothing left. There is only pain out there, it is why I never surface and take control of Sam’s body.”

“Oh.” Colt’s shoulders drooped in defeat. He loved talking to Shammah but sometimes it was difficult. The other personality was very closed off to some concepts and it left Colt feeling lonely. “Well, uhm, I’m gonna go wake up Sam. It’s time to ‘ead out.”

With that, he received a nod of acknowledgement from Shammah. Colt took his leave and climbed off the desk, heading for Sam’s room. They had a quest to finish.

What little preparations that were needed were taken care of. The trio moved to leave the house, Shammah wincing and shielding his eyes from the sunlight as he stepped out the door. Colt caught his arm so he wouldn’t stumble, careful to make sure that Shammah didn’t feel suffocated either. While he struggled with the Soul personality, Sam locked the front door to the house.

“It’s weird leaving here again.” Sam whispered sadly. Beside him, his two splinter personalities looked over. Colt frowned as Shammah gave a sigh.

“They say you can never go back.” Shammah commented with a shake of his head, “This is true for many things. But mostly towards the fact that you can never truly go back to places memories hold.”

“Wouldn’t it be nice to go back in time?” Sam asked sorrowfully as he turned from the door. He was feeling melancholy today. Maybe he was just tired. “Are you two ready to go?”

“Always, Sam.” Shammah reassured with a smile as brittle as the rest of his body.

“Ready when you are.” Colt grunted as he slung Shammah’s arm over his shoulder, taking a portion of his companion’s weight.

Sam looked at them and smiled sadly. He nodded as he reached over, grabbing Shammah’s bag for him. He shouldered it and started towards the path back to the crossroads. This journey was almost over, he just hoped that Dean could hold out a little longer.

~*~z~*~

Walking back to the crossroads was a strange event. Their progress felt hindered by Shammah’s limp yet it affected the journey very minutely. Much like the walk back from Colt’s scape, the travel time of this return felt much shorter. By this point, Sam had stopped questioning such things.

“Is that it ahead?” Shammah asked softly, spotting the signpost a good twenty feet in front of them. He was tired and wanted to sit for a moment but didn’t dare tell his companions.

“Yes. Is this your first time to the crossroads?” Sam replied with a question, curiosity filling him. Colt seemed so familiar with the heartscape and it surprised him that Shammah wasn’t as well.

“I do not leave my home much. There’s never been a need to.” Shammah let out a whimper as he stepped incorrectly, making the pain shoot up his leg from his damaged ankle. He took a breath but kept walking. He knew that they didn’t have any more time to blunder around.

“That’s a little sad.” Sam whispered sympathetically but Shammah shook his head. He turned his face to the side and gave Sam a reassuring smile. He didn’t want to make his host worry.

“I feel safe and comfortable at home. I do not need to roam the lands of your heartscape, that is Colt’s place.” He patted Sam gently on the arm. “Do not be sad, Sam. I don’t regret this life I have.”

It was not so much his words as it was the conviction in them that made Sam relax. He had not known Shammah long but he had grown to respect the personality’s beliefs on his own situation. Sam still believed it was unfair but knew it wasn’t his place to complain and bicker. That would just complicate things in the group.

The trio fell into a steady silence as they walked. It was comfortable and calm, the atmosphere enhanced by the tranquility of Sam’s heartscape. It soothed the spirit and quieted down Sam’s worries.

They reached the crossroads with relative ease. Sam fought his urge to pick up Shammah and carry him the rest of the way. Watching him was starting to hurt Sam’s heart but he knew that Shammah needed this.

“The final path, my friends.” Shammah announced softly with a smile as he leaned against Colt for support. With an unconscious flourish of his hand, he motioned towards the path marked Heart. Sam was so close to his journey’s end now. “We will always follow where you lead, Sam.”

Sam blinked at the words, slowly thinking them over. Somehow, they did not upset him as much as he had expected them to. There was something very comforting about the thought of having someone with him always. Colt still made him uneasy but they were both getting past that, especially since adding Shammah to the equation.

He wasn’t sure why or how but having these two at his side made him feel confident that he would find the gem. It hurt to think that he wouldn’t get to talk with them ever again but maybe it was enough to know that the two of them were here for him. It gave him another reason to keep living, because if he died then so did they.

And it wasn’t fair to murder them after creating them.

Sam moved to stand before the heart path. He blinked slowly, confused at what he felt. The previous two times at the crossroads, he had felt himself drawn to either the left or right paths. But now, the draw was gone and replaced by a simple peace at going to the middle path.

“I wasn’t supposed to go here until now, was I?” He didn’t look over his shoulder at the two, instead he simply raised his foot to step on the new path.

“You weren’t ready before.” Colt grunted softly with a shrug of shoulders. 

“You went where you needed to go, Sam.” Shammah replied softly, “It was instinct.”

In that instant, Sam froze. His eyes widened and he turned, staring straight into Colt’s eyes. “Instinct? That’s why you were so quiet when making decisions at the crossroads last time. You were the one putting direction suggestions in my brain when I wanted to go down the middle path.”

“Yeah. Was me.” Colt grinned at him, helping Shammah to step forward, “The ‘eart path was closed to you, locked. Shammah is the key that unlocks it. In order to unlock it, you needed to form a loving relationship with ‘im. If you knew you needed ‘im, there was no way of ensuring that the proper relationship would have formed. So, I gave you a little instinct push in the right direction.”

Sam was going to open his mouth, denying the fact that he would use Shammah like that. But was it wrong? Yes, Sam hated to use people but what if the subconscious need to save Dean had been so bad that he had faked through his friendship with Shammah. Actions under emotional duress couldn’t be trusted.

“I should be angry but I’m not.” Sam was still a little uneasy that Colt had manipulated his brain but he supposed that he had manipulated Colt’s entire life. It was a fair trade in Sam’s mind, “Thank you for your guidance.”

He looked at the heart path once more. It felt soft and inviting, making him want to go down it. “We should get going.”

With that statement, Sam stepped down onto the final path. Unlike the previous two paths, there were no crushing bitter emotions trying to drag Sam down. Instead there was only a fluffy sense of happiness that filled Sam. 

He had to admit it was pleasant change.

This path was the shortest of the three by far. The lack of overbearing emotion dragging them down also helped to make the journey quicker. The tranquility of the path was not lost on Sam as he felt lighthearted with each step.

The purple of those stones matched the sunlight and seemed to shimmer. Sam followed along easily, a spring to his step and an unusual joy in his heart. His exhaustion from being in this world melted away as he hurried along the path, only stopping to wait for his companions.

The end of the path came quicker than expected and lead into a dark forest. He frowned at the sight, suddenly worried. Why would such a lovely path lead to somewhere so dark?

“Just go in and see.” Shammah urged gently as they joined him. “You have nothing to fear here.”

Sam hesitated a moment but stepped forward in the end. He trusted Shammah and knew that the Soul personality would not steer him wrong. This was a step of faith.

He walked into the dark forest and found himself walking along a trail of tire tracks. He frowned in confusion but continued on. He could hear his companions behind him and knew he had nothing to worry about behind him. So, he kept moving forward.

He discovered that there was nothing sinister about this forest. It was just a normal forest and the darkness was because night had fallen. No threatening sounds could be heard, only the sounds of owls and insects. It felt familiar to him, safe.

As he neared a clearing in the trees, he was startled by the sound of a loud boom. Frazzled, he hurried into the clearing but was shocked at what he saw. His eyes widened and his heart thrummed with joy rather than fear.

He looked up to the sky as there was another boom. He smiled, seeing the sky bloom into brilliant colors. His eyes followed the descent of the rainbow of embers to the middle of the clearing. There he saw a familiar sight.

Baby was parked on the wet grass in the middle of the clearing. Though Dean was nowhere to be seen, Sam saw himself as a child sitting atop of the Impala’s hood. The child was smiling brightly, simply watching the show of fireworks.

“Sam.” Shammah whispered as he and Colt joined their host. “This is Sammy. The last of your three keepers.”

Sam blinked in surprise, looking over at his two companions. Colt smirked at the look on Sam’s face and shook his head. He freed one arm and used it to shove Sam in Sammy’s direction. “Go say hi, Dumbass.”

Sam squirmed slightly. It felt a bit ridiculous to be going and talking to himself like this. He wasn’t sure why, it was no different than talking with Colt or Shammah. Why was this so unsettling? Because this one shared the same name? 

“Hello?” He called out softly as he walked over to the Impala, nearing the front.

The third splinter personality turned to look at him, smiling softly. The boy was no older than twelve or thirteen. The wonder of a life without pain and torture still shimmered in his youthful eyes, a look neither Colt nor Shammah had. The fact broke Sam’s heart.

“Hi, Sam!” The boy greet him joyfully, smile getting brighter. He picked something up off the hood and handed it towards Sam. It was a plate of marshmellow nachos, with extra sprinkles on top. “Would you like one?! They’re our favorite after all.”

Sam slowly reached out and took a chip from the plate. He watched Sammy scoot over, making room for Sam to sit beside him. He smiled softly and took the seat. He ate a bite of the chip and grimaced a bit, it was far sweeter than he was used to nowadays.

“My name’s Sammy.” The boy said softly, eating a chip of his own. “Thank you for coming to see me.”

“Thank you for having me here.” Sam ate the rest of the chip and fell silent. He rested his folded hands in his lap as he looked up at the sky. He felt Sammy rest his head on his shoulder and Sam felt a loss for what he was supposed to do now.

“I know why you’re here, Sam.” The boy whispered softly, snuggling into the warm side of his older self. He continued to munch on chips while kicking his legs absentmindedly. He gave a small sigh and cast his gaze up at Sam. “You want your spirit gem.”

“Yes, that’s true.” Sam smiled and shook his head, patting Sammy’s hand. “But it’s not so simple anymore.”

“It’s not?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because me meeting Colt and Shammah has made me want to meet you too.” Sam wrapped his arms around the boy and pulled him close. He held him protectively and kissed his hair. “I know from experience that you’re here for a reason. That you do something to help me. I don’t know what that something is but I want to thank you for all your hard work.”

“Welcome!” Sammy practically chirped with happiness. The boy’s smile grew brighter as he hugged Sam tightly. He let go and slowly pressed his hand to Sam’s chest, right over his heart. “I protect this.”

“My heart?”

“Yup!” Sammy rested his head on Sam’s chest and yawned. “I protect two very important parts of your sense of self. Without them, you would lose all hope after all that you have been through.”

“Really? What are they?” Sam was honestly curious. It was like discovering how he stayed together. Creatures always told him how he was barely held together by glue and paper clips, who knew that the paper clips had names and personalities.

“I protect you innocence and sense of wonder.” Sammy told him plainly. 

The truth took Sam by surprise but it also made sense in a way. Sam had gone through so much torture, abuse, and death in his life. He should have given up hope and stopped fighting a long time ago. And yet, he hadn’t.

“When you go through a traumatic experience, I go to sleep so that I take as much of the damage as possible so that your heart doesn’t. It doesn’t always work well and you get hurt. But I make sure to nurture your heart so you can go back to being as happy as possible.” 

Sam’s arms tightened around Sammy, burying his nose in the boy’s hair. He didn’t know how to thank Sammy enough. That was a daring sacrifice and Sam appreciated it. He knew that without Sammy taking the pain of abuse, Sam would have crumbled under all the damage years ago.

“H-how can I ever repay you…” He looked back at Shammah and Colt, “...any of you, for all that you’ve done for me?”

“Easy!” Sammy grinned brightly. “Keep living and find what makes you happy!”

“What?” The request confused Sam greatly.

“What Sammy’s trying to say is that by you staying you, it makes all of our torment worth while.” Colt grunted softly as he halfheartedly kicked the wet grass with the toe of his boot.

“We want you to be happy, Sam.” Shammah clarified softly. “Your happiness brings us happiness. You are our host and that means you hold a special place in our hearts.”

“Yup!” Sammy wiggled out of Sam’s grasp and slid off the hood, landing easily on his feet. “But that’s enough about that. Let’s save Dean!” 

He grabbed Sam’s hand and urged him off of the hood. Sam easily followed the boy’s guidance and stood on the grass. Sammy was practically bouncing on his toes as he led Sam to the trunk of the car.

“Are you ready?” The boy asked as he stood before the trunk, staring down at it excitedly. He turned his gaze to Shammah and waved him over. The older personality smiled and limped over. He took the candy from his bag and handed to the youngest personality.

“Ready when you are.” Shammah reached down and pressed the palm of his hand to the trunk. Sammy unwrapped a candybar and started to nibble it as he too pressed a hand to the trunk. A glowing light outlined their hands but nothing else happened.

Yet, they didn’t seem perturbed. It was like they knew something that the other two didn’t.

Sam stood back and watched, waiting. He frowned slowly as he realized that nothing was happening. He blinked in confusion and opened his mouth to ask but stopped when realization came to him.

“Harmony with myself.” He whispered softly, trying to put pieces together. He looked up at the fireworks in the sky and missed the knowing look that pass between Shammah and Sammy. The two linked their free hands and waited for Sam to put the pieces together.

“The gem isn’t appearing because I’m not in harmony with myself.” Sam said confidently, putting together the puzzle to get the full picture.

“What do you mean?” Colt asked softly, confused what his host was rambling on about. The man was making no sense to Colt at all. “You’ve met and befriended both Shammah and Sammy. They’re the keys to the gem.”

“Wrong.” Sam’s eyes were kind as he stepped over to Colt.

“Wrong? ‘ow can that be wrong.” Colt looked past Sam’s broad shoulder to catch Shammah’s eye. “Will you talk some sense into this guy, Shammy.”

“Let him speak, Colt.”

Colt was about to protest but Sam stopped him by resting a hand on his shoulder. Sam smiled softly and shook his head. “Colt, they’re two keys but there’s three in total.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You. You’re the last key.” Sam raised his other hand and gently gripped Colt’s shoulders. “The spirit that sent me here told me that I had to be in harmony with myself. And like you, I thought that meant Shammah and Sammy. But we were wrong.”

“We were?” Colt was by far the least intelligent of the four but this really shouldn’t have been such a difficult conversation to follow. Though, he still wasn’t understanding and it was starting to frustrate him.

“Yes.” Sam suddenly dragged Colt into a hug. The Instinct personality stiffened defensively, not sure what to expect from this interaction. Sam simply chuckled and hugged his securely. “Because neither of us acknowledged that you are an important part of me.”

Colt bristled at this, angrily fist his hands in Sam’s shirt. “Shut up! I don’t appreciate being mocked.” He tried to push Sam away but his host held him firmly.

“I’m not mocking you, Colt.” Sam rested his chin on Colt’s shoulder and sighed, “It just took me longer than it should have to acknowledge just how important you are. And I’m sorry for that.”

Sam pulled back just enough to look Colt in the eyes, “During my time here, I learned your importance. You take care of me and you take care of them. You strengthen my instincts, you devour my fears so they don’t devour me, and you keep a tight leash on my addiction so that I don’t have to worry about it.”

Colt looked stunned at the praise and that hurt Sam. It hurt Sam knowing that he was cruel enough to make Colt think he was unimportant. Sam found that he hated that look, “When I first got here, I hated you. I hated what you represented and hated that you were more evidence of my mistake. Because of that, I overlooked your worth and the fact that you’re a person.”

Sam’s shoulders drooped in disappointment for his own behavior. “I used you because you understood this world and I didn’t. I just wanted to get the spirit gem and leave. But, I was able to meet and make friends with Shammah and Sammy because of you. That means that I would never even have found the location of the gem without you.”

Colt was floundering for words and understanding. Everything he knew about his existence was turning on its side. He was starting to feel emotions that he wasn’t used to. He gritted his sharp teeth as his eyes began to get misty. “What are you trying to say, Sam?”

“That you’re an important part of me, extremely important.” Sam said confidently, looking the splinter personality in the eye. “You are as much a part of me as Shammah or Sammy are. Denying that as truth is cruel and unjust towards you, Colt.”

Colt ground his teeth to bite back his emotions but it did nothing to stop the tears. He growled weakly and swiped at his eyes with a filthy hand. Sam laughed softly and hugged him again, whispering. “Thank you, Colt.” Colt let out a strange strangled whimper as his arms shakily wrapped around Sam.

Off to the side, Shammah and Sammy smiled to each other. They could feel the spirit gem call to the last key. Shammah let out a contented sigh. “Come, Colt, it is time to send Sam home.”

Sam hugged Colt tighter for a moment before releasing him. Colt was a bit shaky as he walked over to Baby. He bit his lip slightly as he reached down and pressed his palm to the trunk of the Impala. A fuzzy warmth filled him for the first time as the black metal glowed.

As the lock on the spirit gem opened, a  ring of light glowed around Sam’s feet. In the palm of his hand, glowed something warm and formless. It felt safe, felt like home.

“Bye bye, Sam!” Sammy called out excitedly, waving with both hands.

“Farewell, Sam.” Shammah smiled softly, leaning tiredly against the Impala.

“Take care, ‘ost. Don’t you worry, I’ll protect them for you.” Colt told him confidently, arms crossed as he gave his host a toothy grin.

“Bye, you guys. Take care of each other.” Sam gently clasped the spirit gem to his heart and closed his eyes. The light engulfed him, leading him home.

Sam startled awake with a gasp in the dark. He groaned softly and tried to get his bearings. It was difficult and he was struggling to understand what was happening. He felt sad and a bit lonely.

“Congratulations. You have succeeded in your quest.” The voice of the spirit drew Sam’s attention to the figure of glowing light. It looked at him kindly and held out its hand, “May I see it, human.”

Sam blinked and looked down. He was still clutching the spirit gem to his heart but the treasure had taken on the form of a lovely yellow jewel. He smiled softly and shakily reached out, placing it in the spirit’s hand.

The entity hummed softly and floated over to where Dean laid dying on the floor. The spirit whispered softly in an ancient language while gently pressing the gem to Dean’s chest. Sam watched in wonder as his brother started to respond and the spirit disappeared before Sam could thank it.

“Ugh. The hell just happened?” Dean griped softly with a groan as he sat up, holding his head. He hissed softly in discomfort from lying on the cold hard ground.

Sam laughed softly, hand clutched to his own chest as he remembered his heartscape, “Nothing, man. You just fell asleep for a while.”

“Must have been some nap.” The older hunter grumbled and shakily climbed to his feet, walking over to Sam. He held out a hand to his brother. “Let’s just go home.”

“Yeah.” Sam nodded and took his brother’s hand, slowly standing. “That sounds like a good plan.”

~*~End~*~


End file.
